And it All Comes Back to You
by moffwithhishead
Summary: Dean's never been good with this stuff, the feelings stuff, but when someone drops a bomb like that and then decides they want to go back? He needs Cas to know. What happened after the motel conversation in Hunter Heroici and how they got there. Destiel, one-shot, language, etc.


**A/N: The title of this is from "Hear Me Out" by Frou Frou, which for reasons unbeknownst to me always makes me think of our very own Dean Winchester. The alternate title for this story was "The totally not true but damn near accurate story of what actually happened after Hunter Heroici (And how Dean finally told Cas)". I literally have no real reason to have written this other than it came to me and I didn't completely hate it. Reviews are always appreciated. :)**

**Oh and school started back last week, I've had this written for a while now though, and I'm kind of stuck on writers block for my two current fics. I promise I'll update them as soon as the inspiration (aka when homework is done) strikes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters but obviously I should. Kripke, Edlund, Gamble, call me guys. I've got ideas.**

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And it All Comes Back to You

This was a dream that Dean's mind had replayed a lot since Cas came back from Purgatory.

_Cas showing up in the bathroom while Dean was in the shower and pulling the curtain back._

_Cas saying his name like it was the last word he ever wanted to say, surprise and relief and hurt and love being conveyed in those four letters that would never sound the same coming from anyone else._

_Dean pulling the angel into the shower with him._

_Their bodies moving on their own, acting purely out of want and need and sliding into place, like they were made to fit together perfectly._

_Cas looking into his eyes with that same damn look he'd given him more times than Dean cared to count but this time he knew what the look meant_.

And then his mind or Sam or shit, sometimes even Cas would wake him up before the dream got… _**good**_.

It was a stupid dream.

It meant nothing.

It was most certainly _**not**_ awesome.

And it most certainly did not leave Dean feeling fucking terrified after the first time.

Nope.

He wasn't scared of Cas, per se - he was all too aware of how strong and how powerful his friend was and he knew on some level that it should terrify him at least a little bit but he knew that the angel wouldn't hurt him like that - he was fucking terrified by the fact that these dreams did not scare him one bit. Sure, the lines of their 'profound bond' had gotten more than a little blurred in Purgatory but it was never physical. It was never acted upon it was just sort of… understood. Cas understood that Dean could acknowledge his feelings for the angel when there was the very real possibility of one or both of them dying at any minute and that if (when dammit) they got back to the real world he probably would not be able to anymore. Dean understood that if that was the way it went down, Cas would always be there for him. They both told each other they were okay with that.

So when Dean came back and Cas didn't he forced himself to believe that the angel was dead. There was no evidence of this, no proof, no way for Dean to actually check and see if he was right, but it hurt less to think of him like that. Dead instead of suffering... At least death would bring the peace of not being hunted by every single undead thing in Purgatory.

Contrary to popular belief, Dean knows he's not exclusively straight. He's never put much thought into it though because he believes that good sex is good sex, regardless of the gender of the participating party. He's tried to explain it to Sam in the past and all his little brother could do was grimace and make retching noises to get Dean to shut up about his sex-life with other dudes. What Dean's trying to say is that he's not freaking out because Cas is a dude - er, well, his vessel is a dude - and it's not even so much the fact that he's an angel (though that is slightly daunting)... It's the fact that Dean is pretty sure he's in love with this angel, that he's been in love with this angel for a while now, and that **everyone** he loves dies. Or suffers or gets cursed or targeted by the fucking four horsemen of the apocalypse or whatever the hell crazy shit is haunting him and his little brother this week.

Loving Dean, being in his life in any capacity really, comes with the risk of imminent death. It's a fact of life he came to terms with rather early but it's still something that he struggles with. It was the reason he left Ben and Lisa with wiped memories.

It was the reason he left Cassie.

It was the reason he never made a move on Jo.

It was the reason he fought the idea of making friends.

It was the reason he never allowed himself more than a one night stand.

In Purgatory he could rationalize it away, _Oh well the odds are pretty fucking good that we'll both die today and it won't be my fault so I might as well_, but back home? Back on earth? In a shitty motel room with Sammy and diner leftovers in the mini fridge? It was too dangerous. And he couldn't risk losing Cas again. Not when he'd just gotten him back, not when they were just starting to get back to normal, back to the way they were before the whole Crowley/Purgatory disaster. Not when Dean had finally stopped grieving the loss of his best friend in that stupid fucking lake.

But he couldn't stop these dreams and if he was being completely honest, he didn't really want to stop them. Even though they never went past the completely-unsatisfying-but-still-fucking-hot PG13 grinding it was… _nice_. The look Castiel always gave him in the dream felt familiar, it felt comforting. It felt the way Dean had imagined coming home would feel like after a long trip. Which was probably the gayest thing he'd ever thought in his life, holy shit.

The dreams never distracted him from the real world though. His head was always in the game when they were working cases (even when Cas was standing so close he could actually smell the stupid feathery bastard) and he thought he was hiding his feelings pretty well. Sam, for once, didn't seem to notice. Dean thought he was off the hook for this one and had miraculously caught a break on this whole being in love with Cas thing.

And then Castiel decided to drop the fucking bomb on Dean that oh, by the way, _**I'm scared if I go back to heaven that I might kill myself**_. Like the asshole was daring him to do it, to tell him how he felt about the mere idea of Cas not being around anymore let alone killing himself. Dean almost said all of it, almost went off on a long emotional word vomiting spree, when Sam walked through the door and Cas got off the bed like nothing had ever happened. _Great fucking timing Sammy_.

Dean tried to talk to Cas a couple of times after that, to tell him just how much he meant to him, but they always ended up getting interrupted (either by Samantha and his big stupid moose timing or Cas just straight up leaving). So when Cas said he wanted to stay in the nursing home and watch over their friend he knew that he had to tell the angel... shit, maybe not tell him everything but he had to tell him something, right? Because if he wasn't going to run from heaven anymore, if he went back there, and something happened before Dean got a chance to tell him... well, that just wasn't going to happen. Not if Dean had anything to say about it.

When he and Sam got out to the Impala he pretended to look for his phone in his jacket pockets, "Shit... I think my phone fell out back there Sam."

"We'll just pick up another one at the next gas station."  
"Can't ditch it Sammy, there's... some pictures on there."  
"Illegal?"  
"Would I be going back in if they weren't?"  
"You're disgusting. Fine, just hurry up."

Dean ran back inside the nursing home and found Cas sitting in the common room with Fred just... staring out a window. It was weirdly the happiest he'd seen the angel in a long time and he briefly considered just leaving when Castiel turned around and frowned at him, "Hello Dean. Did you forget something?"

There were about eighteen things that Dean's brain thought up immediately and all of them were total chick-flick worthy moments that would result in his man-card being taken away. He cleared his throat and shuffled his feet a little nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and looking anywhere but Castiel, anywhere but those stupid blue eyes that were suddenly full of concern, "Yeah uh... can I talk to you over here for a sec man?" The angel stood up and poofed over to Dean, appearing about two inches from his friend, "Of course you can talk to me Dean. Although I must admit I thought that was what we were doing..." Dean's face contorted into a weirdly proud and affectionate smile as he took a step back from the angel, "Did you just make a joke?" Cas gave his friend a small smile and shrugged, "I suppose that depends on if you found it humorous or not." _Yeah_, Dean thought to himself, _I'm so fucking screwed... and I'm smiling like an idiot right now. Fuck_. "Very funny Cas. I'm laughing on the inside. Listen... what you said the other day in the motel room... about Heaven..."

Castiel's face fell and he sighed, a very human sigh, "I do not wish to talk about that Dean." The look on his friend's face made Dean's heart actually _**ache**_ and he briefly wondered if Cas could tell how much hearing him say that stuff hurt him.

He knew that Castiel had fallen from heaven for him and Sam, that he'd protected them and chosen them over his own family many times, and Dean had always been happy to show him the beauty of things like free will and cheese burgers and pie and sex and a chocolate and peanut butter milkshake at three in the morning... but he had kind of hoped, or maybe let himself believe, that Cas had still maintained some of the good things about being an angel. Like his inability to lie and occasionally harsh straightforward attitude. In moments like this, Dean wonders if he helped his friend or ruined him.

"Listen... I'm not going to make you tell me every fucking detail about it cause we're not chicks and I respect that you don't want to talk about it but..." Dean licked his lips and forced himself to look into Castiel's eyes, "Please don't." The angel tilted his head to the side and frowned at Dean, confused, "Don't what?" Dean groaned and closed his eyes for a second, "Don't do what you said you would... okay?" Castiel frowned, stepping closer to Dean and looking him over before answering, "...Why?"

Dean stared at him for a second before putting on the patented Winchester Bitchface, "What do you mean 'why'?" He thought he saw a ghost of a smile on the angel's lips for a split second before whatever it was faded away, "Why shouldn't I kill myself if Heaven is in ruins because of what I did? I deserve that and more -"

"Cas will you shut the fuck up and listen?" Dean waited until Cas nodded his confirmation before speaking again, "What you did... it was fucked up and it was wrong. Your heart was always in the right place but your execution lacked a little... finesse. I get it. God gets it. I forgave you, Sam forgave you, shit, I'm pretty sure Bobby would forgive you at this point. And it's not like I haven't done some genuinely horrific shit, way worse than what you did during your brief excursion into being a deity, I mean I started the Apocalypse for Christ's sake. My brother broke the final seal that started the Apocalypse and got addicted to fucking demon blood. I tortured souls for years in Hell. I've killed more people than I would ever care to count, I am just as fucked up as you are man. But... I need you Cas. I'm losing Sam and I'm going to have to let him go eventually and I can't do this alone. I... _**need**_... you. Alive... Around."

This is the closest he will allow himself to saying what he actually means. Dean hoped that Cas knew what he meant by that. "What I said in Purgatory, when we found you by that river... I meant it. Capiche?" Castiel nodded after a moment and smiled at his friend (in the way that only Cas can smile, more with his eyes and less with his mouth and the fact that Dean has spent hours analyzing that damn smile does nothing to placate his nerves here), "Yes Dean... I capiche."

"Well... good." _This is starting to feel horrifyingly like feelings sharing hour from kindergarden and if I'm not careful the asshole in the car is going to fucking suspect something_... "You know how to find us when you're done hanging out around here and... yeah." _And if you do go back to Heaven please come back. For me_.

The rest of what Dean wanted to say is left unspoken but he knows that Cas gets it, because Cas always gets it. If he wasn't so damn determined (and maybe a tiny bit buzzed... what, it's two am somewhere right?) the look Cas was giving him would make Dean uncomfortable but it just makes something in his chest ache. It's so damn... full of love and so full of understanding that Dean doesn't think he deserves, let alone from a god damned angel of the lord (pun intended), it's almost overwhelming. A while passes where he just lets himself stare back at Cas, and honestly Dean has no idea if they've been standing here for a minute or an hour or three seconds but fuck it if Cas can't read his fucking mind and he knows everything about Dean, he's seen him in every state of life and death and he still... fuck he still cares. He's still around and the only person who's ever stuck around for Dean like that is Sam.

But Sam is his baby brother and they're stuck with each other, whether they like it or not, and Dean definitely doesn't know what he'd do without his little brother around but he's family. It's more-or-less a requirement for him to love Dean but Cas doesn't have to. He doesn't have to care about him, he doesn't have to put up with his penchant for obnoxiously loud music at ungodly hours of the morning or his inability to talk about anything related to emotions or his whole giant fucking case of issues and baggage. If the angel wanted he could walk right out the door tomorrow and never speak to either one of the brothers again, there's nothing that requires him to put up with them anymore and if Dean's being completely honest with himself, it fucking blows his mind that Cas has put up with them for this long. Hell he's damn near touched every time Sam lets one rip in the car with the windows rolled up and Cas doesn't poof back to the motel room. And if sticking around for Sam's gigantor farts doesn't say love than Dean's not really sure what else could.

Cas cleared his throat and smiled, an actual smile with teeth and everything, "You should probably go. I am sure Sam is waiting for you in the Impala." Fuck, he's actually nervous to leave Cas here. He's nervous that he won't see him again. He's nervous that he'll never want to hunt with them again, never fight over the front seat with Sammy again, never be there to save both of their asses in the nick of time, never be there to have a beer with and just not talk after a particularly shitty day, never there to make him watch stupid TV again or bother him with stupid bee facts or ask to play a board game again - "Dean..." Castiel was suddenly in Dean's personal space, at best three inches from his nose, and had a hand on his shoulder - the shoulder, right on the hand print. He doesn't need to say anything else because just like Cas always seems to get it, Dean's gotten better at understanding his friend and he can practically hear the rest of that thought.

_You and Sam are my family. I will always be there when you need me. I will always come when you call me. I understand why you're not saying the words out loud. I don't fault you for it. I love you, idiot. I won't leave you. I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition - it will not be that easy to get rid of me, Dean Winchester._

Without even realizing it he started talking, slow and stumbling over every syllable because he just realized that he could actually hear the rest of that thought because Cas was saying that to him in his fucking head and fuck if Dean's even in control of his mouth anymore. "Cas I... l...looo..."

_I know_.  
_Cas man, get out of my head. And stop smiling so much, you're gonna hurt yourself. Smug bastard_.  
_I thought I was a 'stupid feathery bastard'..._  
_Yeah, that too_.

And then he was standing outside the drivers side door of Baby, his hand holding onto air instead of Castiel's trench coat, with an almost manic smile on his face. Sam didn't even seem to notice his sudden appearance, probably stalking Amelia again, until Dean got in the car and started laughing. Real, happy, full-body laughter and fuck he hasn't laughed like this since Sam got attacked by clowns and came out of it completely fucking covered in glitter and fuck if it doesn't feel great. For his part at least Sam manages to look somewhere between concerned and thoroughly amused, "You okay over there man?"

Dean was still laughing when he looked over at his little brother with his too-long hair and gigantor body and said, "You know what? I think I am." For the first time in a very, very long time he's okay... he's _happy_. All because of that stupid feathery handsome bastard in there. And you know what? There's always going to be something or someone that wants him dead... but for right now, for god knows whatever reasons, there's an angel who loves him that he loves in return and fuck if that isn't the best news Dean's gotten in a while. The rest of the universe can fuck off. "Let's go get some pie Sammy. I think I'm in the mood for some pie."

"When aren't you in the mood for pie?"  
"So that's not a no then? Because I saw a diner a few miles back that had a 'world's best pie' sign out front and dammit Sammy, we gotta check this out. _**For**_ _**science**_."  
"Dude... did you just get laid?"  
"If I say yes will you never ask me about it again?"  
"You have a problem."  
"And you're jealous. SO... pie?" Dean annunciated every letter in the word like he always did when they were younger and Sam can't help but smile, "Yeah. Pie."

So what if his life is a mess, it's not like it's anything new. So what if his little brother has a girl somewhere who he loves and wants to go back to? So what if his angel is still broken? So what if Dean doesn't know how to fix or protect either one of them from all the bad in the world? For right now, he's good. His brother is in the passenger seat of his Baby and they're on their way to get pie, the world's best pie apparently, his favorite song is playing on the radio and his angel knows what he means to Dean. The universe knows how he feels about Cas and the sky hasn't opened up, he hasn't been struck down by lightning, the Apocalypse didn't magically restart itself and everything's okay for right now. Dean thinks he can get used to this.


End file.
